Hey, so I graduated last week! I’m growing up so fast. I’m going through a time where I’m having to really trust God. Everything about my life right now is uncertain, except for God.
I’ve always been pretty determined, and I’ve always taken the initiative to apply myself whenever and wherever I needed to. I know I'm livivng in Statesboro for the next year atleast. I haven’t applied for any full time, salary type jobs in Statesboro for several reasons. First of all, I don’t really qualify for a lot of them because to do social work you need a MSW. So, I need to go to grad school. Second of all, there aren’t very many social work agencies in Statesboro, and the ones that are here aren’t hiring. I just feel like I’m supposed to have some part time jobs and devote the next year to ministry and just pouring into people while getting poured into from people here. I just feel like something is going to come up soon that’s going to make me realize why I don’t have a job….just some opportunity. I don’t know if it will be in Statesboro, Atlanta, or somewhere else. But I just feel like I’m supposed to wait. Some people may not understand, but as Christians, we’re going to live life and do things that people just don’t understand. (1 Corinthians 2:14). God has continued to provide, and in some crazy ways:
-I’m able to work at the library on campus part time this summer. I know that it’s definitely not the ideal job for me, and I’m kinda shut away from the world while I’m there, but I’ve had that job since my freshman year, and it has been the perfect job to have in college. Every year over 100 students apply for my job, but somehow I’m able to have it. They;re letting me work there over the summer, even though I'm not a student anymore, and that is deinitely all because of God.
-I found out today that the nanny job for this summer worked out. A really sweet person at my church hooked me up with it. It’s a really nice family in Statesboro. They have a 13 year old boy and a 10 year old boy, and I’ll get to drive them around and hang out with them some this summer. I hung out with them one night last week while their parents went out, and there is so much to do on their property. They showed me around on their gator/mule golf car thing, taught me how to shoot their bow and arrow, shoot their pellet guns and bb guns, go squirrel hunting, fish, eat berries off the side of the road, have a dirt fight. They’re great, so I’m excited about that. It’ll only last for about 4 weeks, but it will give me some extra money. I knew it would be hard to find a job thus summer because I’ll be in Peru for 3 weeks, and nobody wants to hire someone who will be gone for that long, but she was able to work with my schedule, and they’ll be gone on vacation around the same time.
-In August when they go back to school, I’m pretty sure I’ll get to work at 180 fitness, thanks to Mrs. Angie. The timing worked out really well because she couldn’t hire me until then anyways. 180 fitness is great by the way, so you should sign up. I’m still looking for another job for the fall, if anybody knows of anything where I can be around people!
-Yesterday morning before church, I was feeling overburdened about money for my trip to Peru. So I prayed that God would provide in some way. I get to church, and I saw a family that I look up to and have so much respect for, and they encourage me because they are so giving. Well this family had already supported me for my trip, and they gave me another card. I was like, “wow, that’s really nice! I bet this card will be encouraging. I could use some encouragement” So, I open the card, and a check falls out. Then, in church, Brandon talked about trusting God and not living in fear and anxiety, and how we need to take Jesus at His word and know that He knows what is best. I really do try to live my life in a way in which He has control, but money has been a HUGE struggle lately because I graduated, my parents have cut me off on a lot of my funds(I‘m so thankful that they‘re still helping me out a lot though), I don’t have a consistent job, I’m going to Peru at the end of June, and I’m in 4 weddings in the next 6 months for people that I care a lot about and I want to be able to support them and help each one of them have a beautiful wedding that they deserve. So, I need to trust God that the money is going to continue to come in, because as you can see above, it already has :)
Also, in church yesterday, a girl came with us that has been going through an extremely rough and unpredictable time. Anyways, she got saved, and Daniel and I got to take her home after church, and I was able to talk to her about A LOT. People like her show me that we’re all broken people, and we’ve all made bad decisions sometimes, but God’s love is so much bigger than that. People just need to be encouraged and know that God is still in control no matter what.
I’ve finally come to the decision that I’m wasting life away by thinking and stressing out so much about money. Everything is going to work out. It always does. There’s a lot of inconsistency in my life, but God is the one in my life that is and will always be consistent. I thought about it last night and today…I can sit here and stress out about this, or I can just take it as it comes, and ACTUALLY ENJOY EACH DAY or else I’m going to make myself go crazy.
I’m continuing to see that there are people all around me that need Jesus, and I want to be a part of reaching out to the people that others don’t care anything about. I’m beginning to realize how little churches are actually doing. I’m really selfish sometimes, but I’m learning that when I’m not selfish, that’s when God can do great things though me and my weaknesses. The main thing that God’s showing me is that I need to be willing to let HIM pour into me so that I can really truly love others using His strength. When I do things my own way, they fail. My confidence has to come from God.
A couple weeks ago, I read out of Luke 7 about the sinful woman that anointed Jesus’ feet. I keep thinking about how desperate she was for Jesus. She had been looked down upon by everybody, and she had a bad reputation. She was messed up. Nobody wanted anything to do with her. But she knew the hope, intimacy, and love that Jesus had to offer her, and that made her worthy. I haven’t been able to get this picture out of my mind. I battle with knowing the extent of God’s love, and It really messes up the way that I view myself. I think that if I really viewed God’s love and His grace the way that He intends, my confidence in what all I can do would be a lot higher and that would help me to love others the way Jesus does. We always talk about how much He loves us and how much He loves everyone. I think that those are words that we throw around a lot. We sing about how he loves us and how His grace is enough. But do we really believe in our hearts the extent of that love? At the end, in verse 47, Jesus says to Simon the Pharisee, whose house this all took place in, “Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven -- for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little." He then ends it in verse 50 when he says, “"Your faith has saved you; go in peace." He wasn’t talking to the Pharisee that knew all of the right things to say. He was talking to the messed up, broken, hurting woman on the floor.
If we can’t fully accept God’s love and forgiveness for us, then how can we love others? It’s hard to fully grasp the extent of God’s love and grace. Like a lot of us, I never really stop long enough to see it or think about it. It’s easy to take His grace and not really do anything with it. That is the worst thing we can do. When we fully accept the love He has for us and the forgiveness, then we’ll overflow with it, and it will be uncontainable, and others will see it and want what we have.
There’s so much evil in this world…with so many broken people. So many hurting people…I can go on and on. But what are we doing about it? How are we letting Jesus pour His love into us, so that we truly can love those right in front of us? I feel like we, as Christians, talk about that so much…like it has become something that just feels right to say. It’s like one of those Christian phrases that is so overused…or at least overused by me. But how are we really letting Him pour into us so that we can pour into others? If we love others on our own strength then we are going to burn out and others will begin to see the hypocrisy and falseness behind it. There’s no true foundation to that kind of love. But when we love from Christ, other people can’t help but see it.
I’m also learning how perfect God’s timing is. I’m learning that no matter what you’re past looks like, God can use it..for real. I’m trying to be different and for other people to know that there’s something different about me. I’m trying to watch what I say. I’m trying to have integrity in my relationships. I’m trying to not stress out about money. It really does bring out the worse in me, and it affects my friendships big time and it makes me selfish. I’m trying to be an example to my family. I can try to do all of this all I want on my own strength, but God has to ultimately be my everything before all of these things work out. I struggle with all of that, and sometimes I say stupid/mean things, but God is continuing to bring me out of that.
I absolutely love my church. I’m surrounded by people who are striving to do things different, people who are learning and falling more in love with Jesus, and who are living life as disciples. I’m encouraged to love others because of them.
I’m in a relationship with my best friend…a person who, like me, knows what its like to fail and mess up, but knows that God can use that for his good. I’ve never experienced anything like this because for once, I was EXTREMELY patient, probably for the first time in my life, and I know now that God’s timing is perfect. I feel like we’ve both had the past year or so to allow God to change us into who He desires for us to be. I am with someone who I feel like I am more effective as a person when we are together than when we are apart. After almost a year of being good friends, we both know now that this is the next step in that. He encourages me so much to see others the way Jesus sees them, even when I really don’t want to. He’s so smart, and he’s content with not having a comfortable lifestyle, and just being "us" instead of tryign to be like everyone else. I’m pretty happy :)
Life is good. God is good. I’m still learning. I’m happy. I don’t know what tomorrow brings, and that’s ok.
*“Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire.”--Hebrews 12:28-29*
*"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." --John 13:34-35”*
*“Come and listen, all you who fear God; let me tell you what he has done for me. I cried out to him with my mouth; His praise was on my tongue. If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened; but God has surely listened and heard my voice in prayer. Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld his love from me!”--Psalm 66:16-20*
**This is a song by John Mark MacMillan, called “Kiss Your Feet” about the woman from Luke 7 that I was talking about…about how great and powerful Jesus‘ love and grace is compared to how broken dirty, and messed up we are:
I dreamed I kissed your feet
Between the cigarette butts
On the side of fourteenth street
I got down on my hands and my knees
With an alabaster jar
I dreamed I'd bleed with your praises
Just to make the world
Smell like your grace again
I got down on my hands and my knees again
And I'm crawling on the floor
Just to find you now
To tell you how I feel I'm falling all over myself
Good morning brokenness
You know you've cut me to the bone
Like one of those days in the middle of the winter
The kind that you can't run away from
And we've been here for so long
But I found a way to appease you
Inside this alabaster jar
And I'm crawling on the floor
Just to find you now
To tell you how I feel I'm falling all over myself
And all my afflictions
There only light ones anyway now
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