I guess I "grew out of it"

So, I write this for two reasons:

1) To show the Glory of Jesus through healing

2) To show the power of faith over fear.

Today I had a check-up at the Arrhythymia(100% sure I misspelled this) doctor for my heart, and I am so excited to say that for the first time in a very long time, I had a normal EKG! YAY. Praise Jesus, who is THE God of healing, and loves us so much to work miracles (even small ones) in our lives. I guess I can finally confirm that I think I have finally "grown out of it," like they kept telling me I would. I know in my heart though that this goes way deeper than "growing out of something." 

God can use anything and everything to get our attention about issues in our lives that don't bring Him honor. This heart flutter thing, which really, in all reality, was never a huge life-threatening deal, has held me in so much bondage over the past year. After feeling light-headed and tired 24/7 last summer, I passed out one night around 4 am, freaked my husband out, and rode in an ambulance to the hospital and run tests all day. I had to go back the following week because I passed out again, and that time, they kept me overnight to run tests while I was sleeping, or trying to sleep. My heart rate never went above 40 when I was sleeping and 50 when I was awake. My blood pressure was crazy low, and my heart was doing these weird flutter things that I could feel. I was told that it would be something that would go away with time, that I just needed to eat/drink more salt, workout less, and stay better hydrated, and that was all I could do. So, me being the control freak that I am, tried to take the matter into my own hands, and I made the decision to live in bondage over this for the past year. There have been times in which I've been with a group of people, and I would have these weird panic attacks that I was going to pass out and not wake back up. I would especially have them if Daniel wasn't there with me. A lot of times I felt like I could barely feel my heart beating, and I would feel like I was just floating around. Anyway, it was a little scary, and it was based on real symptoms. But I truly feel like I took what little symptoms I had and acted out in fear. I knew the whole time that I had a choice--to either act out in fear, or take a deep breath, pray (literally out loud and ask Jesus to be the strength of my heart). Many, many times I acted out in fear and allowed it to paralyze me from fully experiencing amazing opportunities and situations that God put right before me. I've heard a wise man say that "what you fear reveals where you trust God the least." This was definitely true in my life. Hebrews 11:6 says that "without faith, it is impossible to please God." :) My faithless heart did not please God.

 Well, I went to my Arrhythmia doctor 3 months ago, this past May, and I still wasn't feeling 100%. My heart rate was still around 45, and I had low blood pressure. After I went to Peru a couple of weeks after that, in June, some cool stuff happened that made me realize the power of prayer and believing in Jesus' power to heal. I really made a decision to start receiving that healing that Jesus desperately wanted to give me. That has been my prayer for the past couple of months. I prayed hard, persistently, and boldly for awhile. I have been relentless. There have been several times since June that I would be in bed and I would have those feelings, and with Daniel by my side, I would cry out to Jesus, saying that I received His healing, and the spirit of infirmity had no hold on my life. There is power in the name of Jesus. There is power in consistently calling out to Him. There is healing in that!! Jesus was just waiting on me to give Him control and show Him that I had faith that one who actually made me could actually heal me of this! Psalm 139--He made me and He knows me way better than I know myself.

The last time that I can truly say that I have had an "episode" was around July 20th!! Since then, I have felt like I had a heart that didn't flutter. I have been able to workout, run, and enjoy life without living in such dumb fear about my heart. I can confirm that as of today, my EKG didn't have any issues, my heart rate was 62, and my blood pressure was normal! :) That's actually really weird. Another cool aspect behind all of this was today, since my appointment was in the afternoon, I saw the nurse practitioner instead of the doctor. There is a really sweet nurse there that also works in the cardiac department at the hospital. She and her family made an impact in Daniel's life while he worked at AnMed, and we both really look up to her. When I was in the hospital a year ago, I was really scared, and she knew that I believed IN Jesus, so she prayed with me before I had to have some weird test done to make me pass out. Her praying with me brought me remarkable peace. That meant so much to me, and I will remember that for the rest of my life. Well, she just recently became a nurse practitioner with the doctor I went to today, and she did my check-up! So cool, Jesus!

I know that it's not like God raised me from the dead. I know that compared to what so many people have been through and experienced, this is so small. But this has been my reality for awhile now, and Jesus has answered me. Glory! I've made a decision to live by fear, not by faith. I know Jesus' truth and His promises. Last week was a little tough. Honestly. I told God last Monday when we were driving back from Myrtle Beach that I felt like my life was too easy--that it has been way too easy to be content lately. Well, he definitely shook some stuff up last week, and in the midst of that, I could feel this anxiety about my health creeping back in. I had to make a decision to trust God's faithfulness over my fear. 2 Timothy 1:7 says that He hasn't given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, love, and self-discipline. Live that out.

We have to get to a point in which we trust God no matter what the circumstance may be. God > current circumstances. He is my strength. Psalm 73:26 says: "My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever." I am filled with His faithfulness, and I am going to make the daily choice to believe that Jesus is greater than my fear. 

"For when I am weak, then I am strong"...and new opportunities

In exactly one month I start probably one of the biggest opportunities that I have ever been presented with! Our church has started a 9-month, full-time, apprenticeship program, and I am so incredibly humbled beyond words that I would even be one of the people chosen for this, and to say that I am excited is an understatement! I have felt called into ministry since my sophomore year of college. I have a huge desire for people to experience true healing--the kind that only Jesus can give! My desire is for each and every person to know 100% that their life has meaning and purpose and that they mean the world to Jesus. I want my passion for that to be contagious. However, I know that there are areas that I lack in as a leader, so I am so pumped to have the opportunity to learn from the coolest, most influential people. I would start tomorrow if I could. Like I said, I am so unbelievably humbled that I get to be a part of this. I know that anything great that God calls us to is only because of His greatness, not ours. But I am human, and there are particular areas of my life that I feel like don't match up to others--areas that Jesus and I have a lot to work on--weaknesses

For example, I'd be lying if I told you that I have a way with words. I feel like I am actually the opposite. There are many occasions in which I have a difficult time putting into words the glorious thoughts that are running through my head. I usually stutter because I get so excited when I talk, and I try to say about five different things at once, and then it just sounds like gibberish!! Basically, you can call me Alison Moses Stall.  Moses tried to talk God out of sending him to rescue the Israelites in Exodus chapter 4, although God had clearly revealed Himself to Moses in chapter 3 and laid out His whole plan for him! Like Moses, I have seen the power of God numerous times in my life! I have seen full out miracles. God has done miracles in my life. I have seen Him as healer, provider, sustainer, redeemer, etc, etc., but I still sometimes struggle with who I am IN Jesus. It's easy to feel like I don't match up to others in areas like wisdom and confidence in my ability to do what the Lord has called me to do. In Exodus 4, we see that Moses tried to talk God out of His plan--all because He was unsure of His ability to live out what God had so clearly called him to do!!  

So, it would be really dumb for me to stay in this place of beating myself up because of areas in which I fall short. Like Moses, I battle with God over the cool opportunities He puts in front of me. (Although He hasn't called me to rescue a group of people and bring them to a promised land) But I have to be aware of the fact that my Jesus completely trumps these feelings.  His Spirit resides in my heart, and that should be enough. Yes, I must know that without Him I am weak, but I must turn those thoughts into ones that glorify Him---just like Paul did in the first half of 2 Corinthians 12(specifically verses 9 and 10!) Only with Jesus, when I am weak, I am strong! For example, I went to a preview for an upcoming Theology Class at church last week. It.was.so.awesome! However, about 10 minutes into the class, I was blown away by how much I have to learn about my creator. I worship Jesus. I am in love with Him. But I don't fully know Him…yet! I could have left there feeling set back, but instead, I choose to feel challenged and encouraged because of the fact that I have a God who is impossible to fully understand, and that is awesome! He is just that good!! This makes me continue to seek Him out. This is growth! When I was 18 years old, I got a tattoo put on my foot so that I would have to look at it every day and be reminded of Philippians 3:13-14, which says: "Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." I press onto know Him more, and follow Him each and every single day.

Ya'll, Jesus is meticulous. He does not make mistakes. He made you and me with PURPOSE. As His children, we are not accidental, we are God-intended!!I have to trust Him and know fully that He is a master creator. Psalm 139 says that even before I was born, He "saw my unformed body" and all the days before me were written in His book (v. 16). I look back over these past 24.5 years of my life, including the 6 years that I have believed and trusted in Him, and I see clearly how HE has worked everything out to make me into who I am today.--All of the JOY, all of the PAIN, all of the MISTAKES, all of the RIGHT CHOICES, and all of the REJECTION-- Everything I've done and all that I have experienced has prepared me for what He has called me to do during this season of life! Only Jesus can do that. That's awesome.

I am constantly in awe of who my Jesus is and all that He is doing in my life, despite my weaknesses. Before you and I were born, God had a plan. Just like God called Jeremiah (Jeremiah ch1), He gave me an assignment and called me to just live it out. I live it out by remembering each and every day WHO I live for, and WHY I live for Him. Each day I have to be thankful that I am alive, I must give Him praise for all He has given me, and then i have to die to myself so that He can be seen through me.  The truth is, we never really feel ready to do what the Lord calls us to do. He doesn't call me to feel ready; He calls me to simply just follow Him, one step at a time, all the while doing my best to make Him look good, no mater what I am doing. I know that I am constantly growing, and that is what He desires of me-- that each and every day I will continue to mature because of who He is IN me! He is only getting started with me. 

My prayer is that each and every day, no matter what I am doing, Jesus is seen clearly through me. My desire is: 1) For my joy and passion for Jesus to be CONTAGIOUS 2) That He will continue to form me into someone who is worth following. I also know that my calling before anything having to do with ministry is to be a wife, and to be a dang good one at that because Daniel needs and deserves to see Jesus in me. I love Him, and I know that if I fail as a wife, then my ministry will fail as well.  That is my #1 calling after being a child of God. And besides that, he is the one who works his butt off, deals with people in a hospital, and yet he still has supernatural patience and love. I admire him for that If I am not faithful in the small things, I will fail in the big things. Jesus is constantly making something beautiful out of my life, and I am loving the journey.