January 2nd- 5th I was in Atlanta for Passion, and it was ammmaazzzziiinnggg. I’m not very good with writing, so it’s kinda hard to express how awesome it was, but I was so encouraged, yet very humbled by all that God showed me. Ok, so if you’re reading this, I’m warning you that it’s really long, but it’s going to be really good for me to write this for myself because I still haven’t really journaled about my COMPLETE experience, and I figured maybe it would encourage someone else to read it to…So if you feel like reading a novel on how AMAZING and REAL God is then you should continue reading I guess. I learned so much. There is so much hope for this generation. College students have so much passion for what they believe in, whatever it may be…and it was so cool to be surrounded by over 21,000 people around my age learning about and worshipping God for 4 days. Everything I’m going to say may sound really weird because it’s hard for me to explain it, and if you’re reading this and you don’t know me or you haven’t talked to me in awhile then you’re going to think I’m really really weird. But you probably already think I’m weird anyways, (and that’s ok) so I guess I don’t really have anything to lose.

I think the thing that meant the most about this conference was that I left there truly believing that God is *real*, and I experienced Him in a way that I never had before. It’s really easy as a Christian to say “I know that God is real.” I mean, that’s the easy answer to give…and the answer that is expected of you if you are a Christian… but to be completely honest, sometimes I feel like I don’t really act like He is real. I can be self-centered, and I try to take control of my own life, and therefore I am taking away from God being completely real in and glorified through my life.

I think that it’s sooooo easy to go to a conference as HUGE, powerful, and eye-opening as Passion and to be changed. How could you not be changed? You leave there on this really big high…you tell everyone that it changed your life forever. But then classes start back, real life situations are thrown at you, people let you down, and the people surrounding you aren’t as happy as the people at the place where you had the xperience. When I went to Passion ’07 three years ago, I was a freshman, and I didn’t even really know what it was all about. Looking, back, I feel like I was a really confused person…or I guess I still am, but I have definitely grown a lot since then. That year, I left there feeling like a different person. I know that God did a lot in my life that weekend, but I kinda lost that excitement and the vision that I had while I was there. I feel that it’s really easy as a Christian, or at least it is for me, to hear from God, have a change of heart, have visions/experiences, and then to just lose that focus after awhile. The high wears off if I take my eyes off Christ and don’t hold onto it. So, I feel like it’s a dangerous place to be in to come back from a great experience, but I truly feel like this time is different only because now I truly see God in a different way than I ever have before.

Ok, this is why I view God in a different way: I’m still trying to figure all this out, and I haven’t even really talked about it too much yet…but on the last night, John Piper spoke about the magnificence of God and how He is a jealous God. (exodus 34:14 and Deuteronomy 4:24). So, I guess because I was extremely tired, ,my body was shutting down while he was talking, and I was fighting really really hard to stay awake...even tootsie roll pops weren't helping. I figured I already knew what he was talking about, so I have to be honest and say that I was like, “hmmm this is kinda repetitive, and I already know this, and this doesn’t really apply to me, so I don’t think I really care about listening.” After he was finished speaking, I even told my friends around me that I didn’t really get anything out of that, and I didn’t’ understand because I was falling asleep. After that, we were all walking in silence back to our family groups, and it’s really cool to be in the middle of 21, 000 people walking to the same place in silence… As I was walking, and as the night went on in my family group and when Hillsong United was playing, God was like BAAMMM…and I realized that the reason I didn’t even care about John Piper’s message was simply because it didn’t pertain to me getting something from God, but instead it had to do with forgetting myself so God can receive glory…So I guess that I really needed a wake up call. I feel like this whole time I’ve been worshipping God because of the joy that I get from Him, and because of the miracles I’ve seen, and that’s all good and everything, but until now, I feel like I don’t worship God for His greatness and magnificence. He is a creator, and He created all things, and his word says that He is jealous for me, and He doesn’t want me to have any idols in my life--things that distract me from how great and wonderful He really is. For once, when I think about Him, I cannot even start to comprehend it. The same God that created the universe and everything that surrounds me, made me and knows me better than anyone else ever could. He knows everything about me, and everything about you. And now I’m like, how can I not just get really really excited and lift my hands and freak out whenever I worship Him? How can I not pray on my knees or on my face so that He can be higher than me? So, I just want everyone out there to know that our God is real…and that’s not something to just be said just to say it or to be taken lightly. I think I’ve found that true joy does come from giving Him praise…So.. John Piper, if you’re reading this…and I’m sure that you are…I’m sorry that I was confused and that I couldn’t really stay awake when you were speaking, but thanks for sharing something so powerful.

Also, my eyes were opened up to justice in a whole new way. PSALM 112!!! God puts different things on our hearts. He gives us all differnt desires to make His kingdom great. All I know is, God has given me a heart for people who can’t help themselves…like truly can’t help themselves. When I actually allow Him to use me and use my heart and start to be serious, my heart breaks for those who are hurting and those who don’t even have a voice to speak up for themselves. When I actually quit thinking about myself and the desires that I have for MY life, God uses me, even though I’ve messed up over and over again. At Passion, it was amazing to see over 21,000 people (about 95% of them probably between 18 and 25 years old) make a huge surrender, whether by giving money or just by having a change of heart for God’s people in this world we live in. The past couple months or so I’ve been feeling really discouraged by just all the need in the world and not being able to do anything really about it, but from what I witnessed in Atlanta, I am so encouraged now to see what we, as the church of Jesus Christ, can do to accomplish great things in this world in His name. God wants to turn the unfortunate into fortunate, and we need to rise up. I went to a breakout session called Worship + Justice with Louie Giglio, Chris Tomlin, Matt Redman, Joel Houston, and Marilyn Skinner. They all gave insight on experiences they’ve had and how God has opened their eyes up to the hurting people in this world who are basicaly without a voice to speak up for themselves. They were all sooo passionate, but the one that stood out the most to me was Marilyn Skinner. I had never heard of her before, but she is now probably the most passionate person I know…even more than beth moore….like beth moore times 10… but long story short, her and her husband planted the Watoto Church in Uganda. Uganda has been devastated by genocide and aids, and many very very very young children have and are continuing to have their future stripped away from them, and their damaged physically and emotionally-something like 17,000,0000 i think she said. So they also started Watoto Children’s Ministries ( I think that’s what she said it’s called) to help give refuge to thousands of children in Uganda that have been affected by war and/or aids. She kept talking about faith vs. fear, and that has really stuck with me.Are we going to move in faith, or be held back because of our fear?

Earlier that morning, God used Andy Stanley to prepare me for that break out session. I’ve been on this kick lately where I’ve been telling people that I know that my career is going to be on the mission field, and that I don’t ever feel like I’m going to have a steady job…It’s just going to kinda be “on the go.” I’m not even going to grad school anymore. I just know that now and after I graduate in May, it’s just going to be about waiting on Him to equip me, provide, and send me…Whether in Statesboro or somewhere else, I think He just wants us to surrender to Him and not just live life and go through the motions. While I know that most people will have a normal job with a salary involved, I truly feel like every single one of us that claims our hope in Christ has been called to rise up and not just simply live life. God needs people at stable, carreer type jobs to pour out His love on others, and He needs people that just kinda go wherever…but in both of these circumstances, He is calling each one of us to do something great with our lives…and I mean really do something great…and that gives me chills. It’s easy to get caught up in ourselves and just go through the motions. But God is calling US to do great things right where we are in His name. The main thing I got out of what Andy Stanley said was the word integrity. I really am a crazy person, and I can be loud and obnoxious, and I say that I’m going to quit being like that and grow up..you know…find a husband and have a real job, but I just can’t..I guess that’s who I am, but I still need to strive more to have integrity. I want to be a leader worth following, and I want to go when God tells me to go. He said, “It’s always a mistake to decide what you want to do with your life before you decide who you’re going to be,” and I guess I am still searching in that area.

Going back to the second day...it was amazing. My best friend, Beth Moore spoke about how God equips us to do what He has called us to do. I need to be asking myself: In what ways am I expecting God to work in my life? She focused a lot of it on Hebrews 13:20-21, and I’ll share it because it’s soo good: “May the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever.” Since it’s Beth Moore, I of course took good notes. She talked about the 4 ways in which God equips us: preparing us, adjusting us, repairing us, and filling us. Later on that day she did a breakout session about discernment. I know I kid around about Beth Moore, and I make it sound like I’m obsessed with her, but in all seriousness, she is one of the most beautiful people I know, and I just really admire her testimony and how she has allowed God to shine through her as He has used some of the negative things that have happened in her life and turned them into good. She’s so cool and she’s made such a huge impact in my life. In the middle of her breakout session, people were starting to get up while she was talking so they could go get their Hillsong United tickets (they were first come, first serve, and I think there was a rumor that they only had like 12,000 or so to give away). They were going to play that night for late night. We didn’t get up though while Beth Moore was talking (until when she was almost done) and then we didn’t get ticketttsssss! Long story, but there was a lot of miscommunication and they had given away all of the tickets when they really hadn’t. It was really weird, but I have never seen such craziness trying to get these tickets. Haha, well we were pretty bummed because it seemed like everyone got them but us, and then that night they announced that they were sorry they had screwed up, and United was going to play both nights now and we would be split up by our wristbands, so everyone would be able to go now! And we would get to go the last night. Yay. I guess I’ll go ahead and talk about that and say that it is so much fun to worship with them, but you probably already knew that.

On the second night, Francis Chan spoke, and I can say that I truly fell more in love with Jesus just from the worship experience that I had. Rachael’s friend saved us seats on the side of the stage, so we were so close, and we could see down into the side pit of the stage. Chris Tomlin, Kristian Stanfill, and Christy Nockels all led, and it was sooo cool to look to the left and I could see everyone in there just worshipping God. (where we were sitting, it was easy to see everyone in there)And then I looked down into where people were standing next to the stage and that’s where the sign language people are to assist the deaf people that are there.It was probably one of the most beautiful things I will ever witness to see people worshipping in sign language. If you know sign language I will love you forever if you teach me! It was beautiful. And then I looked down and Francis Chan is like right below us, like 10 feet away from us, just worshipping God, and it always encourages me to look at people worshipping when they look like they are desperate for God to use them and work through them. I dunno if you’re getting a picture of this. Maybe you had to be there. But it was soooo cool. He spoke about grace and God’s compassion towards us, his children, and how we have everything we need in Him. The main thing that stuck with me though was how he used the word “trembling.” He said that we need to tremble at His word. God is so great, and I need to be excited to dive into His word. I want the excitement that I used to have about reading His word. I put it off a lot. Isaiah 66:2 says “Has not my hand made all these things, and so they came into being?" declares the LORD. "This is the one I esteem: he who is humble and contrite in spirit, and trembles at my word.”

I already talked about this a little bit, but at Passion, they have a “Go Center” to bring awareness to 12 different non-profit organizations. (you can see all of them at onemillioncan.com). There was a lot going on down there, and you could give money to help fund these causes, and there were goals for each one. They didn’t announce this until the last day, but I guess I’ll go ahead and say that almost $700,000 was given in just those 4 days. Anyways, they announced at the end that a couple heard about the movement, and they were so inspired by a bunch of college students giving all that money, so they decided to match it. So, basically $1.4 million was raised for these causes. One cause that meant a lot to me was NOT FOR SALE to bring awareness to and rescue those who have been affected by human trafficking. They money given would go to fund outposts in India to rescue these women. The goal was to get one outpost funded, but I think almost 4 were funded! Wow. Like I said earlier, it really encouraged me to see over 21,000 people, most between the ages of 18 and 25 years old, give what they have.

Also in the Go Center, there was this really cool organization called Go Now Missions (gonowmissions.com) They’re partnered with a lot of different mission organizations, and they try to hook you up to get where God is calling you to. Anyways, my friend, Nikki Long, was there. She’s played a big part in my life since I’ve been in college with just some of the wisdom she gave me my first two years before she moved to Africa. There are several things that she just said during those first 2 years that will always stick with me, and anyways, we were talking, and I was telling her about how my heart is just all over the place, and everything I see or hear, I’m like “wow, I’m going to do that with my life.” Anyways, you know when you’ve heard something over and over again, but finally someone tells you again and for some reason you’re just like “wow, thanks God…I get it” like you get goosebumps and everything…well I was telling her about how I’m always on the go, and she was like, “you just need to stop and listen.” The exact words “stop and listen” have been running through my head the past month or so, and it was so weird that she said the exact words. THAT is God’s calling for my life. To stop and listen to what He is calling me to do instead of just throwing myself into everything and freaking out about not getting exact answers. No wonder I feel like I don’t have any direction. Anyways, that was a good moment.

Ok, there is soooo much more I could write about, but I think I’m about to stop. I really feel like I had a huge turn of heart. I want to hold tightly to my joy and the things that I learned. I know that the Passion ministry/268 generation is based off of Isaiah 26:8, but I think the scripture that sums it all up is Philippians 2. Louie talked about it the last morning, which is cool beause it’s definitely one of my favorite pieces of scripture. It’s not about making promises to God, but instead it’s about total 24/7 surrender to having the same mindset as Jesus. I think that if we can live by that, then we can live like how we lived at passion on a normal regular day wherever we are. I want Jesus to be at the center of everything I do. I want to have integrity. I want to be blameless. I want to know when to be serious and when it’s appropriate to be crazy (I’m still working on this). I want to strive with all that I have to think and act like Jesus. I don’t want to promise God anything, and I know that I’m going to continue to fall every day. My favorite verse, the one that is tattooed on my foot so I can tell everyone about it, is Philippians 3:13-14 (“Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”) I want to press on no matter what is thrown my way. I want to make His name great. I want to be thankful for where I am in RIGHT NOW. I want to praise Him for my circumstances. I want to consider others better than myself. I want Christ’s love + worship + justice to shine through me. I want to have integrity. I don’t want to be materialistic. Ok, here is another thing…why do we complain about what we don’t have? I know that’s really surface level, but especially last summer I was sooo crazy for complaining about the way my life was, when it was Jesus that endured the most pain..for me, and for you, and for the alcoholics, and addicts, and prostitutes, and other people that get looked down upon. We have so much to be thankful for. I know I’m going to let people down…but I want to have a pure heart. I know that I can’t do that on my own. On my own I gossip and talk bad about people, but through Christ I have integrity and I am blameless in what comes out of my mouth. I have broken God’s heart, and I have wasted so much of mine, by how I have talked about people and how I was jealous about people in the past. I know I’m a girl, and if you’re really honest with yourself, you probably have too, but I’ve been questioning now more than ever why we can’t just look at what people have to offer instead of tearing each other down. If I’m content with what Jesus is doing in my own life then I have no room to even think about people in a judgmental way. That is how I want to be. I could keep going, but I guess you get the picture.

Like I said earlier, I feel like it’s a dangerous place to be in—to come back from an experience like this. Louie said on the last day that it can’t be just an “emotional, feel-good, turnaround.” But instead it needs to be a “theological movement.” To me, the goal in all of this is to have the same mindset of Christ. I don’t care anymore about going to grad school or getting a stable job or going to another country. From now on, I am going to actually stop and listen to what God is calling me to do, and I don’t care if people look down on me for what I do after I graduate…or if they think it’s not stable enough. On the way back, I talked to my mom for awhile on the phone, and even she was like, “you just need to take a step back after you graduate, quit going full speed, and wait.” My parents have been asking me a lot lately what I’m going to do when I graduate. I tell them that I don't know and I'm not worried abou tit, and they're like, "well yeah because you've never had to pay bills before, and we're kinda cutting you off, so you should be worried about it." So this meant sooo much for her to be on my side. God calls us all to do different things- to make something great of ourselves so we can make Him great. We were made to worship Him. And we were made to be used by HIM to help turn the unfortunate into fourtunate!! I know now that whatever it is, God will supply the power. “I move in faith, You supply the power.” I get it now…thanks God. I can only live life the way that He wants me to by surrendering to Him 24/7 and constantly putting others before me…for real!!!!! I’m pumped up now just from writing this, so if you’re close with me then you know that I struggle a lot with all these things I just talked about so you need to just slap me in the face when I lose this focus. As disciples, we should WANT others to see Christ shine through us, wherever we are at, and I want people to see Him on my face. I want to just stop and listen to Him and quit trying to make my own plans. I’m pretty pumped. Things make sense now. I see now why God completely changed the direction my life was headed in. I know I say this a lot, and it's almost chiche, but He really does make EVERYTHING work to our good, even when we don't see it (romans 8:28). I believe that he rescues us out of situations that we knew deep down inside that we didnt need to be in anyways, and he changes our hearts to match His when we actually allow Him to. I feel like I had some regrets, but I don't feel that way now. I know why things happened. I know why I'm a sociology major. I know why I have awesome people surrounding me.

Everything is starting to make sense. Wow, I wrote a lot. Thanks God for answered prayers in my life and my friends lives. This has been the best Christmas break ever. And I feel like I have the best friends and people surrounding me right now, and I pray that we can all just continue to build each other up.